Growing pains: not everyday is wonderful but I remain grateful.

What is it about relationships that brings out the fears in me? What is it about them that also brings out the dreamer in me?

I find myself really thinking about both of those questions this morning, I woke up with the overwhelming desire to be silent today. It feels like if I don’t stay silent today, I will say too much. I’m sitting at my lap top after sitting with my notebook- the start of another poem neatly scribbled in it’s pages. I’m feeling this overwhelming fear today that I’m balancing with being true to my process- I’m trying to exist with it, just like I try to exist with all my other emotions. This takes effort because I have (until the last six and half months) only existed in a state of no emotion, no feelings, just numbness. I am afraid that my relationship is fading into the background of my partners mind. I am afraid that I am no longer a priority to her. It’s really hard because I am having trouble identifying if this fear is on a solid foundation of evidence or on the foundation of my character defects- fear of being unworthy and fear of abandonment.

After the weekend we had last weekend, I have completely revamped my program and I’m grateful for that. I grateful for the lesson I learned. I’m stated that many times in my head, on paper, on this platform, to my higher power, at meetings. I AM GRATEFUL. This week has been a productive one emotionally, spiritually, physically and this makes me feel fulfilled. I am seeing the fruits of my work becoming ripe to enjoy every day.

The fear begins to creep in:
At one point while driving around, she tells me about one of her coworkers asking her to have a three sum with her and her husband. In that moment, I swallowed hard because I felt the fear creeping up and the way that it was showing itself was through a wave of jealousy that washed over my whole entire body. I felt sick. I should say that her and I are not officially in a relationship but since it’s super fucking complicated to explain that- no there is no title- but yes we are sexually exclusive. I just say my relationship because it is one of the many relationships in my life- it just happens to be the only romantic one in my life. It makes things easier to talk about- especially in a culture where people are label obsessed. In the moment I was able to choke it down, I mentally asked God to help me process the information in an unbiased and fearless way. When she finished sharing that information with me, I took a second, and I expressed to her that if she’s having a three sum I’d rather it happened with me. And then I asked her, how would it make her feel if I was asked to have a three sum and then had one without her. Her lack of response to that statement indicated to me that I should drop the subject. So I did. We continued to exist together and things were fine but I could feel this edge surrounding the interaction now. I asked her to stop at a gas station so I could buy a pack of smokes, when I walked out a woman had pulled up in to the parking lot and while I lit my cigarette and smoked it- she walked in to the store and back out. I looked at her, she had a very nice ass. I obviously looked because I am an admirer of all things aesthetic. I look back at the girl and she says to me in Spanish “you’re bad,” knowing exactly why she’s saying it I play coy and ask her why she said that. I was more trying to be flirtatious than dishonest- but I can see how it could be interpreted either way.

A little more edge- a little more fear:
We pulled up to my house, I go inside and change in to comfortable clothes and come back outside. We spend almost an hour scrolling her favorite social media app- Tik Tok. Most of that hour is spent scrolling the page of one her favorite dancers on the app- this beautiful light skinned black girl, killer body, beautiful hair, amazing dancing skills. I’m watching her and she’s completely enthralled by this Tik Tok personality, at first it’s endearing, I find it cute that she’s such a big fan. Then as the scrolling continues she starts having physical responses to this girls videos. She actually says that this girl makes her feel aroused. (Not in those words) All the while she’s physically leaning on me, I have my left arm around her- I’m caressing her non scrolling hand with my right hand. Affection is being exchange and after she says that comment this affection and caressing her hand is what I try to mindfully focus on. I had to be mindful in that moment because I felt the fear creeping in again- the fear of not being good enough for her. The way that this fear tried to ambush me last night was with the attempt at hijacking the narrative in my head and focusing on thoughts like “Damn, that girl is literally the OPPOSITE of me- Is that what she actually wants? No matter how hard I try, I’ll never be that.” I fight the hijacking with my own positive affirmation. “It doesn’t matter if I’m not that- because she’s here with me, she chose to spend this evening with ME. So clearly there’s something about me she thoroughly enjoys.” At this point, I’m exhausted- I woke up super early- had an action packed day- and have been fighting the self destructive tendencies in my head for about an hour. I tell her I’m going inside in a few minutes- before I do finally choose to go in however. She takes a moment to remind me of when we first started talking. She reminds me of how she had “warned me” to not fall in love with her and how cocky I was when she said this- Rebutting her warning with my own warning. And then she made a point to say that despite my cockiness look at how quickly I fell for her -look at me now. I blushed intensely because she was calling me out. I feel no shame though- I’m not the same person I was four months ago and I’m not ashamed of loving her. I make sure to say that- trying to keep my cool, because in that moment my instinct was to go into a romantic discourse of how I do love her and will love her shamelessly and thoroughly for as long as the love exists in my heart for her. Then I make a point to challenge her with her own brand of challenge- reminding her that she had said the same but look at her now too- she’s changed as well. She simultaneously stands in the light of love with me but cowers away all the time. She exists in her own paradox when it comes to us. In my heart I feel like she loves me too but the paradox lies in her inability to create attachments. I feel like when she’s filled with love for me, these are the moments she fights my loving gestures the most because she is also afraid. These are just speculations obviously because we haven’t ever discussed it.

Doing Different:
After this exchange, we kiss goodbye, attempting to out tease each other and I go inside. She won the tease off- she always does. I’m sexually frustrated as hell when I get inside but I shake it off. I do different than I usually do by committing to keeping my space safe and clean. I find myself hanging my clothes up as they come off, only focusing on one item at a time, emptying my pockets and placing my belongings on my dresser. Everything hung up and my room still neat and organized. I go over to my God box and write down the way I was feeling in the car and continue to channel God as I place the piece of paper inside. I light my sage and cleanse my room and aura, fill my essential oil diffuser, use palo santo to cleanse my aura and spirit, then turn on my difusser. I spend about ten minutes putting my workout routine into Myfitnesspal app, write my gratitude list for the day and send it to my sponsor. When I was gonna change gears into meditative free writing, I get a phone call from her. She was calling to ask if she could come back over to use my bathroom. I let her come inside to use the bathroom- she texts me when she’s in it to ask if I’m okay. I tell her I’m perfect because in that moment I was. When she came out of the bathroom, I grabbed her hand and pushed her on to my bed gently and kissed her gently and passionately. I kissed her with a yearning to feel her. The kissing quickly turned more passionate and more ravenous, I make my way on to being on top of her- still kissing. I kiss her neck, kiss her breasts over her clothes. She’s responding to my touch- allowing herself to get lost in the moment with me. Something that I’ve yearned for and desired for such a long time. It comes to screeching halt- and she says she has to go- I don’t want her to go. I want her to stay and let herself get lost in the passion. I choose to not take it personal though. I move out of her way and concede to her wanting to leave.

Actions and expectations- lost in translation:
On her way out, I asked her what she’s about to do. She says she’s going home but something didn’t feel right, something felt like she wasn’t being honest with me. So I challenge her, I asked her if she was lying, she said no. I respond with pointing out that if she was really going home she wouldn’t have stopped here to pee. She could’ve peed at home. That’s when she yielded to my question and said she was going to her friends house. I felt the recognizable pain of anger trying to come through into my interaction with her. I remind myself to breathe- I asked her why she felt the need to lie. She said she was messing with me. I said that she didn’t need to lie or mess with me in that way. I don’t really care if she goes to see her friends- I actually think it’s healthy to have a life outside of your romantic relationship. She was in the hallway about to leave and said something that implied that I was angry. I didn’t have anything to say really. I said goodnight. I went inside, I was honestly shaking- I was angry and filled with doubt. All of a sudden I wondered how many more times she had been dishonest with me. I breathe through it, recognizing where I am in that moment, recognizing that my feelings are valid, accepting that she is exactly who she needs to be and I am too. I didn’t foresee myself being able to sleep without my non narcotic anti anxiety medicine so I took them, laid down, put my phone on do not disturb and forced myself to close my eyes. I laid in my bed, heart was racing, I did some deep breathing, and I finally drifted away while having a conversation with God. Begging him to help me find peace through radical acceptance. I felt myself drift away to sleep and my brain was still loud as hell when I was first asleep. My thoughts woke me up, I stood up from bed- felt the carpet beneath my feet, made myself some popcorn and laid back down. I glanced at my phone and saw there was a message from her asking if I was “for real mad?” I chose to not answer her last night. I finally fell asleep after eating my popcorn and let Anne with an E play in the background.

I woke up initially at 9 am today, I felt super tired still so I closed my eyes and went back to sleep. I woke up a bit later and prayed, read my daily meditation- which reminded me that God is always around and I should let him be present through the good and bad. It was a much necessary reminder. I responded to her message and I kept it real as to how I felt in that moment. Meaning how I felt when I chose to respond, I wasn’t mad in that moment- I was weirded out. I was really confused by her choosing to lie to me, regardless of the reason- what was confusing was that she expects me to be honest with her 100% of the time. So I assumed she had the same expectations of herself. I personally don’t ask people to give me things that I can’t give back in return. Which I realize a bit more everyday, not everyone operates in the same way.

The power of taking time and not reacting:
I responded to her message and went about my morning routine, three hours later- I am sitting in front of my laptop having gone full circle in this post. I was capable of doing different yesterday and this morning, I am capable of growth and change. Taking time is new concept for me- I have operated on reactivity my whole life. I chose to take a different path because I am no longer satisfied with the pain reacting to everything causes in my life. I am filled with more gratitude in this moment because I owe this change to relying on my higher power- I owe this change in perspective and action to having faith that behind every situation there is a plan for me. There is an opportunity for growth and an opportunity to be authentic to my process. This post is part of my process, sharing my internal struggle in this post allowed me to process my struggle and get down to the root of the struggle. Again I am reminded that my struggles are based in fear, all of my character defects are based on fear in one way or another. I am no longer chained to it. I am free from the bondage of self centered fear and I am grateful for the ability to be dynamic-through action I am ever changing and ever growing.

“Thinking will not overcome fear but action will.”

W. Clement Stone- Fearless Soul