Relapse Contemplation
I have a tendency of letting myself get complacent
Resting on my laurels then I wonder why my life is failure adjacent
If I could email god I would mark all my prayers urgent
Because my desire to get high and slowly lose it all is burnin
Self destructive but too much of a coward to suicide end it all
Cause let’s be real taking your own life takes some fuckin balls
I’d rather shoot some poison in my veins and slowly fade away. Or quickly whatever way it happens- I’m not directly to blame.
Shit my plug got that perico flame and tonight I might get faded
Riding through the block explaining to the fiends that I’m celebrating failure with a shot.
These are all fantastical situation conjured up by my imagination, professionals would say I’m in relapse contemplation
Staying sober takes so much patience
Real soul determination
Lookin up at the sky, heart racing, palms sweaty cause of the frustration
Lucky that I changed my people places and things because if I had drugs in front of me I’d do them without hesitation
Honestly I probably just need a vacation and since I can’t afford it
I’ll go to the next best thing and sit in my chair mentally vacant
If my mom read this poem it’d probably break her, my disregard for life when I’m this angry is flagrant.
I wish that we were closer sometimes- I wanna hug her close and inhale her fragrance
It comforts me and reminds of easier times when I was child and track marks scars weren’t plaguing my body – present but benign
I don’t think I’ll ever get back to a place where I’ll let my mother love me fully because the fact that it could all change in instant, triggers my protective instinct
The fact that indirect self inflicted death is the first place my brain goes at the sign of trouble.
I could really get arrested for my mental- sitting in a padded room begging for some benzos
Trying to love the people around me but I’m broken still
I’ve tried to piece myself together but I might fall apart like a Jenga that’s been poorly assembled
Day by Day 