It’s been a few days since I sat down and punched some keys. Things in my life have been flowing fairly well. I feel like I’m in balance. Ah… the notion of balance what that does to my mind. “Things are good, lets take a rest.” Is a thought that frequently seems to cross my mind in different forms. “I’m too tired, I need a rest day.” “I’m getting my period, I need to rest and self care.” All different expressions for one thing- my longest lasting and destructive character defect. Procrastination which always evolves like a well trained pokemon into complacency. (I couldn’t help making that reference ha ha.)
What does subtle avoidance look like for me?
This is an easy one because I am so well trained at self reflection- that I can identify the things I do about 95% of the time.
– I haven’t made my bed today
– I didn’t send my sponsor a gratitude list yesterday and I didn’t write one either.
– I haven’t officially worked out since Friday. I have been active but not at the gym. Which is dangerous for me- because working out is a necessity for me.
– I didn’t hang up my clothes yesterday after I took them off- they are literally chilling on my chest in front of my bed.
I know these things may not seem like a big deal on the outside but I’m an addict in recovery. I have recipe that works for an overall state of well being. That recipe is doing all the things I haven’t been doing. One of the scariest parts of it is that I didn’t want to wake up this morning. I was having such pleasant and fun dreams that I wanted to stay there. I don’t know if this is all connected but I feel like even in that way my brain is avoiding doing what it knows it has to.
Okay so you know whats happening. What next?
Tonight I have an open mic performance I am doing, I was thinking about flaking. I’m honestly scared as hell to go on stage an share with strangers some of my deepest feelings. It makes me feel raw and vulnerable but this is the essence of who I am. It’s part of having the gift of story telling- you are born to share with others the deepest and most genuine parts of yourself through story, poetry, stand up comedy, all of the ways. I was thinking of flaking but I’m not going to, It’s about 4 in the afternoon right now, I’m going to go hop on a treadmill after making my bed, come back home take a shower, eat the food I meal prepped this morning. Go to the chiropractor, go to a meeting at 530- 630. Then go to my open mic. I will read my poetry with intent and passion. I will share with the audience the feelings that I felt while writing those words on paper. I don’t have to be scared or self sabotage this because I am worth being listened to. (I’m repeating that mantra in my mind.) Wish me luck. I will definitely be updating with what the experience was like.
Day by Day 