It’s been a while

It’s been a while since my last post- I’ve been out of range and out of cell reception. This time has actually given me a lot of perspective on the value of things and relationships.

I’m really enjoying the process of learning so many things, I just spent the week in Vermont- first time there and I feel so grateful and so small. In the grand scheme of things I mean. It was such a wonderful experience being surrounded by such magnificent landscape. It was humbling- I feel like a lot of time I get caught in the human condition and I forget that we are so small in comparison to nature. We exist in these cityscapes and some of us even thrive. Personally I am just learning to thrive in the context of my town but being the solitude side by side with nature. I find that although I’m not a country girl FOR SURE. I definitely would like to spend more time in nature and get back to this natural part of me. To break the cycle of dependence I have with my device. It was hard to be without reception and with WiFi that wasn’t the best- I found myself really struggling through it in so many ways. I have a codependent relationship with my iPhone and that’s not okay. Granted most of the work I do is based on this phone as a blogger and other things I do constantly. I find that the ways it made me feel to be disconnected isn’t healthy.

I found that old feelings of self doubt and body dysmorphia were coming back at me in really intense ways because I didn’t have the constant validation that I receive from being connected. That is something I need to work on a lot still. I need to learn how to be able to validate myself and make myself feel good and comfortable in my own skin on my own merit. I found myself panicking when I didn’t hear from certain people of when I felt like they weren’t reaching out. I found myself questioning my place in their lives. Internally obviously because I also knew that I was in an isolated mental place that was triggering my fear based insecurities. That was the hardest part about being disconnected. I felt myself going into self deprecating and unhealthy places.

Not to mention that where I was didn’t lend itself to my being able to exercise and maintain my fitness habits which is destructive to my self worth and self esteem in its own merit. I realize more and more how important the work I’m doing physically is to my mental state and well being. I find myself feeling like I need to take several steps back from a lot of things in my interpersonal relationships.

I’m super craving a meeting- I need to get back to baseline in that respect and might catch a meeting during my 4 hour lay over in Albany because it’s THAT serious. AA is life or death for me- if I don’t go it’s not that far of a jump to my death.

I’m super tired today though- it’s gonna be a long day for me but I’ll take it in stride and use my tools as necessary.

Honestly I’ve been thinking about the effort I put into some of my endeavors and how that effort is not consistently matched- I’ve been thinking about how I’ve been accepting of that lack of effort in so many different relationships, friendships, family relationships… I always excuse the lack of effort as acceptable behavior and I need explore why. I need start setting gentle boundaries with the people around in regards to what I’m willing to accept and what I’m not willing to accept.

This are the things tho- the things that I’ve been able to reflect on.

Grateful to be on my way home.