I remember when I was a little girl, My aunt had this friend who used to model or something along those lines. Her name was Titi Emi.
Titi Emi used to tell me I was a beautiful flower every time I saw her. I remember getting really mad and yelling back at her that I wasn’t a flower! That I was a rock! That is pretty much how I felt about femininity from when I was a little girl until recently. I had a skewed concept of self from a young age I realize in retrospect. Being hyper aware from a young age that I was heavier than most girls my age but never feeling inferior to thinner girls until we moved to Upstate NY from Puerto Rico.
When we moved here from PR is when I really struggled to be okay with my own femininity. It was hard because even though I had been told I was beautiful my whole life- I was surrounded by other girls who were held to different beauty standards who were for the most part considered at least cute if not beautiful. None of them looked like me and most of them were way skinnier than me not to mention I developed very young.
I feel like having developed at such a young age made me feel more uncomfortable with my body, because I didn’t want boobs, or hips, or an ass and I was blessed with all three. Which I started to cover by dressing more and more masculine over the years.
For so many years I wanted so badly to be able to do both… dress in masculine clothing and also feel comfortable with my interest in fashion, girly things, make up, my curiosity about boys. I came out at such a young age and then felt pressured to be a certain way once I did… so I was unable to express the fluidity in my sexuality without feeling shame for wanting both. As the years passed I struggled in my relationships with women, partly because I was insecure and partly because I didn’t know what I wanted.
It took me a long time to be able to say I’m attracted to both men and women without feeling ashamed of it. It took even longer to feel okay with the fact that I love dressing in boy clothes but I am super feminine in the most “basic” ways. I’ve used this word a lot this year- paradox.
I exist in paradox on so many levels… this is not an exception. The way I engaged in relationships is not an exception either. I am just happy to exist in a world in which I can write this quick reflection on my experience and not be afraid that I’m going to be harassed or discriminated against. And if I am there will be even more people celebrating my truth and journey to living in my truth.
Day by Day 