A letter
Things have felt strained and unapproachable for two weeks now … I find it impossible to connect to you because it feels as if you pushed me out of your heart completely. Sometimes I ask you question out of curiosity or because the answer would help explain the distance I feel. But every time without fail you lose your temper and get angry with me for questioning you at all. Lately when I voice my needs I’m met with “this is who I am… why are you with me if I’m just hurting you?” It’s almost like you want me to leave… but when I left the last time and came back you told me your heart couldn’t handle me leaving again. Everyone is social distancing… everyone is taking space… everyone is on edge… so everyone is affected… but I’ve tried to love you the best I can. I’ve tried to change myself to not overwhelm you… I’ve changed tremendously… and that’s still too much for you…
So I guess the questions I have is why are you with me if you don’t even like me? Why are you with me if I’m such a burden? Why are you with me if all I do is make you mad?
I don’t want to fight anymore mi reina. I don’t want hate each other when everything is all said and done. If I’m being completely honest… I’m tired of saying I’m sorry for having feelings… I’m tired of being sorry for having questions… the same questions you’d have under similar circumstances. I’m tired of my needs being minimized and being called needy… because when we joke that’s fine… but needy is someone who can’t give what they are asking for… and I’ve showed up for.. every single time. I’ve showed you that you can count on me but if I actually take inventory on the times you’ve showed up for me.. it’s usually only when you’ve lost me and are desperate to get me back…
I want to love you but you continue to show me you don’t want me to love you. In your own words… you’re stuck. You’re stuck in your ways at 26 years old. You’re stuck in your pain. You’re stuck in the memories of the exes you talk about far more frequently than you show me love. You’re stuck on the unrequited love of the girl you loved your whole life. I’ve tried to listen and understand… I’ve tried giving you space… giving you gifts… telling you you’re beautiful… god only knows how beautiful you are to me…. I’ve tried being an asshole and calling you out… I’ve tried being direct and kind… I’ve tried so many ways but like you said you’ll never change… You don’t want to change.
I’m not sure if you’ll even see this… I’m not sure why I chose to go this route… maybe I just need to be seen… because I’m feeling so unseen by you..
Sincerely,
Someone who loved you the first day they saw you
Day by Day 