Doing different: late night thoughts of self hate and actively letting go of character defects.

I’ve had a spiritual awakening the last couple of days… I have discovered that I struggle with self hate and that affects every part of my life… it affects the way I process information, the way I relate to the people around me, the people that I’m close to, it affects the way I perform at jobs. It especially affects the way I can hold space for other people…

Tonight I find myself conflicted between feelings of worry and feelings of anger… I find myself feeling like I misjudged a situation and like I haven’t misjudged and I’m just allowing my self hate narrative to control this particular situation. Having just realized all the ways it permeates through my life, (Self hate) I found myself really questioning the validity of my feelings. I found myself feeling an overwhelming pressure on my chest. The overwhelming need to intervene and the overwhelming need to insert myself into things that don’t belong to me because part of me really has good intentions… but like the other part is probably just seeking validation or trying to subconsciously create a codependent trauma bond.. whatever the case is…

If I offer advice or help to someone not seeking advice or help… I cannot get offended or hurt when they are not receptive to it… easier said than done right?

In having observed the self hate narrative inside of me… I am taking the opportunity to accept it and watch the different ways it presents itself in my life. I am observing these things and tonight I wrote it all down so that I can prepare myself for future attacks…

There’s not much you can do with self hate though… it’s a living process. You have to actually change your behavior first… which is why I wrote it all down.. which is way I wrote down that affirmation… It’s why I said it out loud because I want to do different… I want to be able to be present.. I want to say something to my inner self and believe it…

I want to love myself exactly as I am.. I will love myself exactly as I am someday if I actually do the work. So just for this moment I am doing the work.

I don’t know if tomorrow it will be different… I don’t know if my self hate narrative will trigger me to self sabotage and I’ll spend another month trapped in that cycle… another month that I’m not writing during… another month that I’m in pain and engaging in self destructive patterns… where I’m pushing away the people I love because my fear/ perceived reality of not measuring up leads me to act out and make unfair demands of those I love around me.

But right now in this moment… I chose different and that’s a small victory.