When I think of the last year of my life and I reflect on all of the challenges I’ve faced, how I struggled and all of the times I had to slow down significantly because I needed to rest and let my body and spirit recharge. All of the small victories that I’ve had and all of the lessons that I’ve learned. All of the growth.
It really reminds of running the mile when I was in middle school, it feels so similar cause I really always dreaded it… I always wanted to run the whole time but I was never in shape to do that. Running the mile used to give me such bad anxiety every single time, but once I started going and just put one foot in front of the other it wasn’t so bad. I remember that I would walk/ run- there was this kid Eric I was friends with who always ran his mile in less than 10 mins and every time he passed by me he would try to encourage me to keep going and give it my all…. when he finished his own mile he would come and finish my mile with me. I remember I’d run the whole last lap some of the times because of his encouragement and faith in my ability to do it.
I’d say my sobriety journey so far has been filled with so many Erics. I have had so many people that are on their own journeys that frequently reach out to me and encourage me to keep going. I am frequently surprised at how many actually keep tabs on me and reach out on the important milestones… letting me know they have always believed in me and have been following me from afar. There’s also so many people that are my daily cheerleaders and help me continue to put one foot in front of the other when my legs feel like concrete stuck to the ground beneath me.
Which is kinda how I’ve been feeling the last 5 days… my feet have felt stuck and I have not wanted to face the reality of the next phase of my progress. I’ve spent the year focused on the basics of maintaining balance- I’ve improved in almost all the aspects of life but the one that took the longest to wanna give up is continuing to date people instead of staying single and focusing on myself. I always found an excuse or thought the universe put people in my life because they were fated to be in my life. That might be true but more likely than not they were put in my life to give me opportunities to do different. To choose to focus on the foundation I’ve been building and make that my priority.
Making a choice
Yesterday I mentally made a choice to change. I had been presented with an incredibly enlightening experience with a woman who changed everything. She wasn’t a stranger to me… she’s actually been in my life through all of the ups and downs, observing from the sidelines. I never left her radar even when there were periods of no contact. She never left mine either. We became involved and we both had many realizations about the trajectory of our lives and the encounters we had through the years. We concluded that we had a soul tie- that we were soulmates. I really believe that too. And the one thing I learned from loving her is that I deserve to be loved and to love myself. I’ve said that I believe that before but like never actually believed it. But hearing all the ways that she had been silently supporting me all these years made me realize that there’s a reason why so many people have… and I should probably honor that and start to believe in myself. So I chose to do different by not forcing the situation and letting it go. Because timing is not right. This hurts so much but I am at peace too because I chose to do right by me but also right by her. She deserves that and I do too.
So what does that mean for me
It means that things are gonna be different now- it means that I’m ready to face the rest of the things that keep me sick. I’m ready to solidify my foundation and to continue this journey of growth and love of self and others. I’m not scared anymore and I don’t need to distract myself at the expense of my heart and sobriety. As per usual that is just for today- because tomorrow I could change my mind but right now… in this moment at one year sober… I’m ready to do commit- to do different- to love myself.
Mixed feelings and setting intentions
I am having a lot of feelings about all of this. My heart has been racing all day like I’m on the verge of jumping off a high cliff. I’m anxious for the future, I’m anxious to see where things go, I’m motivated to continue moving forward. I’m sad because my heart is broken. I am happy because I was loved well. I am happy because I am alive. I grateful for the love that surrounds me and lifts me up. I am at peace with my decisions and the intention behind them. I feel full but I also feel empty. I feel disappointed that things didn’t go the way I wanted them to go. I’m also a little angry because I didn’t get my way as well. Going into the new moon and into my next year of sobriety I want to set some intentions.
I wanna grow… whatever that means for me. I wanna keep growing and learning. I wanna love myself enough to continue choosing me, I wanna find the path the universe has for me. I wanna thrive- I wanna explore and create. I wanna heal my generational trauma, I want to continue moving toward my oneness with the universe, my body and my soul. I want things to work out with her… I want things to work out for all the people I love. I want love so much love. I want to stay present for the important moments in my life every single day.
Spiritual and emotional sobriety is a marathon not a dash.
Day by Day 