Today is a special day, I have always wanted to write down my thoughts and feelings in this type of format but I have never had the clarity to do so. I have always struggled against my own issues of not being “good enough” or being unworthy… these notions have always directed the narrative in my head in regards to the things I have done and more over the things I have not done. I chose the title of this post because yesterday when I was at an AA meeting a much older man with 33 years of sobriety said.
“In active alcoholism and addiction, I am an ego maniac with and inferiority complex. Through my work in the program I learn to be different.”
When I heard these words I found myself frantically searching for my notebook in my backpack and something to write with, because it was the first time I had heard a concise explanation of who I am when I am not fit. In my experience fitness has three aspects: Mental, Spiritual, and Physical. I have been learning after a lifetime of being unfit in all three categories to balance work it takes to be fit in all the ways.
This is by no means an easy feat, I was raised by a Puerto Rican mother as the youngest child by a long span of time. I make a point to say that because culturally I was handed almost everything I asked for instantly and the things that took hesitation I was able to manipulate my way into obtaining. From my mother or another adult, that’s one of those double edge swords of having separated parents and siblings all 8 years plus older than you. On the plus side I got what I wanted 99.9% of the time- On the negative I never learned to really work for anything. That being said, I am 29 years old and the past 6 and a half months has been the first the first extended span of time where I have actually worked for something I want. My sobriety.
I am a recovering addict and alcoholic, in this format I say addict first because my addiction to drugs was the most destructive of the two and the longest lasting. I am cross addicted, because when I looked back on my teens years and examined my substance abuse history back then although I hated the after effects that alcohol produced- I drank to get drunk from the first time I drank socially at the age of 11. I have learned so much about the foundations of my addiction in the last few months, but the most important thing I feel I have learned is that I am an addict and alcoholic not because of my baggage- (yes these things contribute and I plan to use this as a way to address some of the things that have weighed me down and sometimes come into play.) I am an addict and alcoholic because I like the way it feels to be on drugs and alcohol. I like the fact that when I am on drugs I don’t have to be with myself.
Today I am sitting in front of my laptop after a hard 36 hours. The night before last my default character- so my egotistical and fearful self was fully active for the first time in a VERY long time. I allowed my self centered fear to fester inside of me through story telling. That’s one of my gifts and curses, I am really good at making a narrative especially internally. When I’m centered and not obsessing on self and fear, that narrative is constructive and inspiring- it drives me to keep pressing forward and reach my goals, to take care of myself on all three plains, and most importantly it allows me to be loving and kind to the people around me regardless of how sick they might be. When I’m not centered, I am afraid and I am a slave to myself- so that narrative focuses on bashing my work and my interactions- nothing (when I say nothing I mean even the breaths that I am taking sober) is good enough, I am unworthy of sobriety, I am unworthy of love, I am unworthy of people making time for me, so on and so forth. I spent a lifetime in that narrative and even though it destroys me and leaves me empty with no self esteem- it was my comfort zone for 20+ years. This narrative tells me things like “you’ll never make your family proud- stop trying” “you’ll never find a woman that loves you- you’re crazy, fat, and you don’t deserve love.” “Even if you find someone to love you- you’ll end up fucking it up anyways because that’s what you’re good at.” Fueled by this narrative when I’m off center, I find myself channeling my most self destructive tendencies and swiftly with no mercy hurting the people around me that love me. Destroying any earned trust and setting back the growth of my relationship with these people.
This time specifically with the woman I have grown to love, she was the victim of my complacency. I was under the illusion that I was working a good program for the last few weeks but after shitting all over this relationship and being emotionally irresponsible- I realized that I wasn’t. Working a good program for me means handing everything to my higher power because if I choose to do what I want when I want- I’ll end up exactly where I started. I didn’t do that this time. I felt my self centered fear engaging and instead of praying for help to relieve me of my bondage of self- I got creative and expanded the narrative- I told myself a story. All the while she was sleeping in my arms, I was telling myself the story I made up in my sick and off center mind, working myself up to the point where I silently start tearing up while holding her as she slept. (I have quite the gift for melodrama) She is so in tune to my feelings and our connection is so strong that she woke up from a dead sleep just to check on me- something stirred her while she slept. I lied- I said I was anxious about the state of world- the fires in Australia- anything except the truth. Telling her the truth meant risking her seeing me as weak or crazy. It meant risking making her feel like I was too needy. So I choked the truth down, I know she knew I was upset about more than I had spoken up about. She kissed me in an attempt to silence the voices in my head. My spiritual sickness made them grow louder and told me that shes only kissing me because she feels sorry for me.
So I’m kissing her as I’m having racing thoughts about how much she doesn’t enjoy me and how she’s just showing me pity. How she doesn’t find me attractive- everything except the reality. Eventually we start joking with each other back and forth and this turned serious very quickly- here was my chance to do what I do. The most twisted part of it is that I used humor to destroy an amazing night. Under the guise of a joke I violated her trust in me by jokingly suggesting that I would find someone to “make me feel sexy.” That was not a joke, that was not funny. That was hurtful and emotionally irresponsible.
One of my character flaws is that I am a compulsive validation seeker- I have learned to seek from within but when I’m not practicing my spiritual program very quickly I feel entitled to other people doing the validation for me. If I depend on others validation of me to feel good about myself, I will never feel good about myself. I know for a fact part of my work and progress is being able to fill myself up. I do this through caring for the three components I mentioned earlier. Anything less and I am off center, leading to a quick decline that ends up with me in emotional pain. Sometimes this pain translates into other parts and ends up being emotional pain turned physical.
To continue with my story- She left my house right away- in my unhealthy mindset, I tried to stop her from doing what she needed to do, to take care of herself and I looked fucking crazy doing it. She did text me about half an hour after she left and calmly communicated to me how I had made her feel, why she left, and how she knew something was up with me. This is where the realization set in- this where I made the decision to do different. As for my relationship it might honestly be too late- whatever my higher power choose to do is what is right for me. At this point after reading her message I decided to respect her boundaries- she asked for space- she asked for me to sit on the information she had presented to me. I responded but only to apologize for being unkind and to tell her that i love her.
I made the decision the get up early the next day- regardless of the fact that at this point its like 5 in the morning. I was going to get up early and call my sponsor, go to a meeting, reach out to women in AA and be of service. This is the power of my higher power in action: I woke up without an alarm at 930 am and called my sponsor. I made a plan to go to a noon meeting and directly after I was going to go help my sponsor move another woman in the rooms out of her house and into her mothers house. Then I was going to help my sponsor with a couple things and we were going to sit down after that and read some recovery literature and continue moving forward in the 12 steps. The way God/ the universe works in my life is that my sponsor ended only having to help that woman with one load of stuff. So timing worked out in a way that I got home from my meeting at noon and had enough time to call a woman from the rooms, cleanse the energy in my room and myself with sage/ palo santo , and pack a bag with some clothes and my recovery books. When I was finishing up packing my bag is when the text came in from my sponsor saying “here.” God knew what I needed yesterday and even though I didn’t ask him directly to give me what I needed he still provided it.
I was able to be of service to someone beside myself, I was able to process the situation with more than one woman with long term sobriety. I gained valuable insight in regards to my situation and I was able to revamp my drive to seek the guidance and will of the universe and my higher power. I was also able to sit down and read about character defects and the ways that as a sick person I will have to work my whole life to let go of these behaviors. The literature filled me with hope and it helped me see that by having faith in a power greater than myself I can sit back and enjoy the journey through life. Anything else or exercising my desire to be in control in any way, will damage the experience and make it so I miss out on beautiful details.
Today I am grateful for my support system, I am grateful to have woken up a bit more spiritually fit than yesterday and the day before. I am investing time into something that I have always wanted to invest time into. I am making progress today. I prayed as soon as I opened my eyes for guidance, for protection, for help navigating life trying to be of service without the interference of my character defects. By no means are things perfect- I still haven’t heard back from my significant other, there is a chance I wont hear back from her. That definitely is causing my heart pain and sorrow- I love her. I have faith that the universe and my higher power have a plan in place. If she reaches out that’s part of the plan, if she doesn’t that is also part of the plan. I could choose to try to control the situation and take it in to my own hands today- but that obviously didn’t work the first time around. So today I will be taking care of myself and praying for God to help me cope with the pain in my heart as many times as I need to ask for help. Whatever happens the key to happiness and a freedom I have never known lies in absolute faith in power greater than myself.
Day by Day 