Inspiration and Response to: The Crossroads by Dr. Thomas C. Maples

“Our psychological development is dependent upon friction. It is dependent upon undertaking trauma and overcoming its effects. Any journey of Self realized growth has at its foundation our inner ability to use consciousness to direct the movie of our life. Don’t shy away from challenges. Persevere despite them.

Dr. Thomas C. Maple- Inspiration: The crossroads

I am in pain tonight. My heart hurts- and I’m stuck… I’ve tried to start this sentence five times before getting this far. Disillusionment hurts; being disappointed by people you love hurts. That is one of the challenges of being human though right? I mean it’s one of the challenges of my human condition at least.

Say it again with feeling!

The quote I referenced above is from a post that I read today at the perfect time. I had another productive day, dutifully ticking the boxes of the things that keep me sober every day.
-Bed made
-Prayers said
-Workout routine
-Rested
-Fed
All of the things, but I felt the sadness building at the edges, I felt the anger also building at the edges. I was not able to let it permeate the barrier quite yet. So I read- I read this post and that quote jumped out at me, I shared it with my sponsor and it resonated with her as well. I came to the realization that through my higher power and my program, I have a foundation to persevere through the challenges that life throws at me. I have a network of people who support and love me, people I can seek out and be fully honest with about exactly where I am at any given moment. At this given moment- I am sad, angry, disappointed. I am also grateful, growing, learning how to cope, learning how to sit with my emotions. I am also learning to objectively view my emotions and recognize where they are coming from. I am sad and angry because that is the way that my fear of being alone is choosing to express itself. I am sad because my fear of being unlovable is expressing itself in this way. I am disappointed because I had expectations of someone who is not well. I had expectations in somebody at all. For me to have expectations of people is just a way that my willfulness expresses itself. I am trying to will the circumstances that I want by expecting people to behave or not behave in certain ways.
Acceptance says that I have to accept where people are, when they are there. Acceptance also says that when I am in pain or turmoil it’s because I’m having a hard time accepting something in my life I have no control over. Which is pretty much everything outside of my actions. So how does this all fit in with the post?

What is my road less traveled?

When I think about it my road less traveled is the road I am on right now. It is the road of choosing to care for myself in the ways I never could when I was in active addiction. It is being accepting while simultaneously standing up for myself. It is sitting with the discomfort of being in emotional pain and not distracting, not medicating, not denying. Just accepting the flow of emotion. Using it as information and experience for the next time I’m sad and in pain.
My road less traveled is fighting the urge to rescue people and to be the reasons someone changes. It is praying to God, when my ego tells me it wants me to feed my superman/ God complex. I am currently walking my road less traveled and it’s not always easy- most times it’s not easy. I am currently engaging in ALOT of firsts. I am focusing on my physical health, mental health, spiritual growth. I am following the law all the time. (sounds absurd but it’s a first for me) I am learning how to love and trust the people around me after living with the notion that I was unworthy of doing this. I am also practicing gratitude for the journey, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I am actually grateful because I am growing- after sitting for almost a decade stagnant.
I feel today and that is my road less traveled.