Have you ever felt stuck in a situation that is bringing frustration, anxiety, and the feeling of being crowded? Have you ever had a friend, lover, family member ask something of you that you didn’t want to do but you did it out of fear of losing them or starting a conflict? Have you ever been offended or hurt by an action or the words that someone you love has done or said? If you answered yes to any of these questions I’d highly recommend reading this guide.
Why so many questions?
The reason I started this with so many qualifying questions is because those questions are indicative of a very specific type of problem. These questions if answered yes indicate a lack of honesty, whether it is for fear of hurting someone you love, being abandoned by someone you, or fear of being judged by someone you love. This lack of honesty- no matter why it exists is the reason your faced with the problems above.
Feeling crowded? Fearlessly set your boundaries.
When I feel crowded, overwhelmed, frustrated, and/or anxious when interacting with someone I love it’s usually because I need space. I have some of my own things that need addressing but sometimes I utilize my relationships to avoid addressing the things that need to be. I’ve learned in sobriety that being able to recognize this pattern, be accountable to my needs by not giving into this behavior, and setting boundaries with my loved ones is crucial to me being able to continue making progress and moving forward in my spiritual growth. For example: A few days ago, my soul was craving silence, I needed to reflect and be alone. I needed to be off my phone, I needed to be true to my process. I have a small but very close circle of friends and when I need space sometimes they cannot understand why. In the past their inability to see or value my need for space to process used to bring up all of those feelings I mentioned. Anxiety, frustration, the feeling of being crowded or smothered. Not anymore- because now I’m able to say in full honesty: “Listen, I totally hear that you miss me and feel like I haven’t been very present the last few days- but I’m not in a good place right now, it physically hurts to talk because it takes so much energy. I need to be silent until my body and mind feels like it can handle not being silent. It’s not personal or meant to make you feel neglected but I need to take care of me in order to continue staying sober and present in our friendship long term.” This was a huge moment for me and I was scared when I said those words, I was terrified of disappointing my friend. I didn’t, in fact she understood and told me to take care of myself. I have since felt much better emotionally and we are back in the swing of things.
The answer is No and I don’t owe you an explanation.
Typing those words out gave me a mild case of the jitters. That’s a hard word for me “NO.” It’s hard for me because I’m naturally a people pleaser, I have people pleased my whole life out of fear of being rejected. There’s nothing more I wanted in my younger years than to fit in and be accepted. To be loved and sought out socially, so I did everything that was asked from me. You know where that got me? Addicted to drugs, depressed, and still left out of the groups I wanted to belong to. There is very little I won’t do for my friends and family still to this day, the only difference is that I won’t ever do anything for them that is going to directly take a toll on my physical health, my mental health, my spirituality, or endanger my freedom. I haven’t really had to use the word no much lately because they know my boundaries. They know that the first thing in my life is my recovery and fitness programs. The way I got here was by staying consistent and not allowing anyone to come in between me and my meetings or workouts. When I first started going to meetings, my friends were used to me being there at the drop of a hat when they needed me. I would drop whatever I was doing to show up. I realized over this past summer that I can’t show up if I don’t take care of myself first. I can’t show up if I relapse. I also probably can’t even help them resolve whatever problem they’re calling about because I don’t have anything to my name to give. If it’s mental health related or anything like that, I’m not a mental health profesional. That might sound kind of harsh- maybe even like I don’t care about them. The truth is that I care about them enough to full my cup, my well, my spirit, because if I don’t I won’t be able to be present at all. In the past I’ve been asked to miss a meeting to go be there for friends, I said no every time. It’s an hour, they can wait an hour and if the crisis is so huge they can’t- then I’m probably not going to be able to help anyways.
“If you spend all your time trying to please everybody else, no one is pleased. If you spend your time trying to please yourself, at least you’re pleased.”
Acceptance
Expressing hurt without placing blame.
This one is so hard for me! It’s easy to get trapped in a martyr mindset and let that spiral in to a dark place. It’s easy to blame someone when they make us feel inadequate, angry, sad, neglected, unworthy. It’s so easy to use poisonous words and try to retaliate. It’s easy to freeze them out for a while and not address the problem. All of these things are easier in the moment but what about two minutes after you degrade and belittle your loved one? What about after you’re done ignoring them but they no longer interact with the same love or affection they used to? How is it possibly to bounce back from any of that? First- when people have hurt me in the past, I was really good at taking it personal, playing the martyr, using that to manipulate them as long as I could. (I’m talking before the drug use even got bad) The result of me behaving this way? Strained relationships all over the board, interactions that felt forced, a perpetual state of low self esteem and loneliness. Second- if the martyr act didn’t work, I would be venomous and emotionally irresponsible- emotionally abusive if I’m being 100% honest. Depending on the situation, I would sometimes because violent too. I’m not talking about with strangers- I’m talking about with the people closest to me. My sister, my mom, my girlfriends. (The relationship one is a little blurry because the abuse was mutual: but the abuse existed and I can only be accountable for my own actions) I didn’t necessarily hit anybody but I would hit the things around them, I would yell in their face, I would be monstrous sometimes. I went as far as spitting in my sisters face once like 8 years ago because I felt slighted. Third- I’ve strained many relationships- especially romantic ones because of fear of being judged and fear of being abandoned by abandoning the relationship first. I’ve done the same with friendships and have attempted to do so even with family. All of these actions got me to different variations of alone, depressed, shame, self hating, self mutilating, drug addiction, promiscuous behavior. All of these symptoms of my inability to be honest with the people I love. Most recently in my romantic involvement, I was feeling neglected, I was feeling like she wasn’t being honest with me about how she felt about me, I was feeling insecure. These feelings all felt “too needy” to me. I was terrified to speak up because I didn’t want to overstep and push her away. I let these feelings build and build. I worked my program less and less- I became borderline obsessive about the perceived lack of affection and attention. One night after spending a beautiful night together- I verbally under the guise of humor lashed out on her. This strained the relationship severely- we didn’t really have a discussion about that- not a deep enough one. Again these feelings started up for me- the only difference is that I worked my program- she was clearly feeling almost the same but nothing was being said on either of our behalf. This past week it all came to a head when she felt that I didn’t want her to come to my house- instead of asking me or taking my word for it. She continued under her assumption, got angry, and shut down. Feeling her shutting down, felt frustrating. I was direct with how I felt because of how she was behaving. I made the mistake of doing so when she wasn’t ready to hear me. We didn’t talk for almost 4 days.
The power of an honest conversation
She was the first one to text, I was honestly shocked and had no idea how to text back. Part of me wanted to retaliate for how she made me feel, part of me wanted to lie and say I was fine. All of me didn’t want to lose her. I decided to be completely honest about how I was doing, what I was feeling, what I went through the days following our fight. I also addressed how I had been feeling- how I felt like she wasn’t really as interested as her words were saying. I told her that I needed to choose myself and take care of myself. In exchange she told me her feelings, she told me where she was at exactly emotionally in regards to our romantic involvement, she told me where she was at mentally and emotionally in general, she told me that whatever I choose- she respects me as a person and appreciates the difference I have made in her life. She also made it clear she doesn’t want me to go anywhere. In this conversation we were both able to safely communicate- honestly and thoroughly. We took the time to actively listen to each other. I don’t regret a minute of it because things are better now. We are communicating and we are both showing each other our appreciation for each other. We are being mindful of our language, tone, body language. It doesn’t feel like either of us are walking around on eggshells. We are just existing in our bond- whatever that means for now. It doesn’t have to be defined as long as we both enjoy each other and are honest with each other. It doesn’t have to bring conflict if we are open to setting and respecting boundaries. Which we both have agreed to being open, we have both expressed what it will look like to remain open and be open.
Conclusion:
1: Don’t be afraid to set clear, consistent, and unemotional boundaries with your loved ones. If they love you they will love you no matter what.
2: Say no! Don’t be afraid to be direct and say no when something being asked of you makes you uncomfortable.
3: If you feel hurt by someone you love, don’t react! Reacting for often than not will be destructive and hurtful to both of you.
4: Try to communicate with statements that communicate how you feel. Not what they did. Also always try to confirm the intent behind an action before assuming. For example: “When you talked through this important song I was trying to have listen to, I felt hurt. Did you mean to be hurtful?” Most times they won’t even know they’re hurting you because they don’t mean to.
5: If you lashed out, became violent with someone love, froze them out, or otherwise hurt them- they may need space before they are willing to speak with you. That is okay. If you are given a chance to speak with them afterward, be honest and vulnerable. Don’t apologize if you don’t plan on changing your behavior.
Day by Day 