Breaking the bonds of overcompensating for my lack of self confidence.

I did the open mic night on Wednesday. It was such an amazing experience standing up there and reading my poetry for a room full of people and have them actually enjoy it. It wasn’t even the validation that I loved the most- it was the freedom I feel after reading to crowd that I love. It was that I did something that I have always wanted to do but didn’t do because I always felt too self conscious or not worthy of doing it. I feel this confidence in my abilities blooming over the ashes of the damage I caused my soul all these years. It’s crazy because I’ve heard from more than one person through out my life mostly women that I’m borderline cocky. Almost too confident. I always want to laugh at them- because if they only knew how I actually felt when I have been told these things.
I used to wear confidence as a mask, a pseudo confident facade- actually over compensating for the fact that I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. Compensating for the fact that I didn’t feel beautiful on the inside or the outside. I didn’t feel talented or smart. I always heard “you have so much potential.” I hated hearing that- it felt condescending. Actually the only person I came close to believing that I had potential was my HS counselor because she actually took the time to know me. Fifteen years later she’s still in my life- I still have such an amazing bond with her.
The pseudo confident mask I was such a huge fan of still makes an appearance from time to time. I hate it- that mask is a survival mechanism and it’s not very nice to people at times. Although it’s very good at pretending. I find that after I got sober and started working a program, started caring for my physical health and learning how to cultivate my hobbies I enjoy. Started to know myself and the things that motivate my behavior, the mask stopped showing itself as much- I feel like the more I do things like open mic night and writing in this blog. Things that are authentic to who I am, who I always have been, who I am meant to be that mask will continue to decrease in its appearance.

That being said here is one video because I can’t seem to get more than one to upload