III: Hungry, Tired, Triggered and Angry
The truth for me this week has been that I’m Fucking tired and hungry most of the time…
I honestly barely sleep and barely eat because most days the grief doesn’t let me. I don’t discuss the severity of my grief a lot because I don’t want to be misunderstood. But this most recent break up feel harder than most…. maybe it’s because I broke up with my perceived soulmate and a long time friend as well- maybe it’s because I was finally vulnerable 100% with her. There are so many factors that could be contributing to the severity of the grief I’m feeling.
On top of that grief… I feel the pressure of my loved ones bracing themselves because they are afraid of what I might do because of this break up. I feel it in the way that my mom and I fought twice this week because on one occasion she legit asked me if I relapsed…. and on another she couldn’t be understanding of my need for space to process my emotions. I felt it even more when my best friend and I got in a horrible fight at the beginning of the week because my behavior triggered her fear and doubt. Which when brought up to me triggered me to feel like no matter how hard I work it’ll never be enough to satisfy the people who are around me the most.
Learning to be alone without feeling lonely.
This week my feelings of anger, anxiety, and disappointment in myself and the people around me meant that I spent a lot of time alone. Being alone for me can feel like a death sentence sometimes…. This past week not only did I feel extremely lonely at times… I felt like some of the people I reached out to actively pushing me away.. (people I probably shouldn’t have reached out to anyways…) But on those days when I felt the loneliness creeping in and trying to make me question my place in the universe… I prayed. I asked my higher power to make its presence known to me… every single time without fail I’d get a call from one of my new friends in the program.
Spending time away from the people I normally invest time and love into helped me start to nourish and build new friendships with two women from the program. I have known both of these women for a while but I have been so involved in my love life and other aspects that the timing was never right. The past week- timing changed and became right… I spent time with both of these women this week and when I did, I had an amazing time… I had fun conversation that actually triggered real thought and connection to them. I am super grateful that I have connected with both of these women.
I refuse to be a victim of my loneliness
That statement might seem dramatic but while reading that statement… I think about all of the times that loneliness and fear of being alone with myself and my thoughts led me to make poor decisions about who I’m spending time with. All of the times that loneliness helped me set myself up to be hurt be people who have already hurt me. This week… I was tempted to do that- I reached out to one of my exes and I truly was only looking for a friend… but her new girlfriend doesn’t think it’s appropriate for us to be friends… (which is super annoying because like I have absolutely no nefarious intentions but I totally get it cause the love was there between her and I. That can be really hard to handle for some women) Instead of insisting and then getting hurt when I am rudely put in my place. I left it alone. I left her alone…
MOST IMPORTANTLY- I DIDNT FACILITATE MY OWN FEELINGS BEING HURT! Woo!
I tapped into even more power inside myself this week when I realized that my super power is love. That often times I love broken people even though I myself am broken and that leads to being hurt a lot. I don’t regret it though- I never have. Every time I feel hurt because my love is taken for granted by anybody- I actually learn to love deeper. I actually gain more love for the demons and trauma that make that person reject the love I’m trying to give them. In finding comfort in loneliness and using the comfort to build new relationships- I found so. Much. power- I don’t have to feel lonely and I don’t have to feel like I’m a chore or too much to handle… these are all filters and negative ideas my psyche adopted a long time ago but it’s not too late for me to find my worth and see why people gravitate towards me.
Onward!
And so it will continue- my journey to self love. I’m sure that it will continue being a rollercoaster of emotions… I’m looking forward to working through this time and learning all of the things that lay peacefully and the things that lurk just beneath the surface of my consciousness. I will continue to pamper and be gentle with myself- I will continue courting and spoiling myself. I will continue dressing myself in clothes and looks that are unapologetically me and I’ll feel proud to be me wherever I go. Especially in the days that being proud of myself feels like a hard sell.
Day by Day 