I had a pretty productive day today, I was feeling super good about it most of the day. I had moments in which I had to pray because I felt my thoughts slipping into a negative place. Every time I prayed my thoughts seemed to refocus on the tasks I was completing today.
I saw her today for just a couple of minutes, she had to stop by and pick something she left at my house up. I felt her as soon as she pulled up into her parking spot, but I was cooking so I purposefully made myself wait until I got her text to go outside and bring her the thing she left. It took everything inside of me not to get in her car and throw my arms around her. Seeing her I felt mixed emotions, I was happy to see her face especially because of the circumstances that occurred the last time I did see her. But then like there was this sadness radiating from her and from me too. On top of the sadness, I felt her guard was up. Totally understandable- I hurt her. Wishing that happened differently but accepting that things are happening as they are supposed to be happening.
I went to a meeting where my suffering was quickly put into perspective. In relation to a lot of the people there tonight- I am blessed. Yes I am suffering, yes this hurts, yes I created this pain for myself. But I have a solution- I have faith. Even though it takes me work; I trust my higher power. It felt as though some of the people that were lost in pain tonight struggled with their relationship with theirs. So I left affected- but grateful.
Coming home I was overwhelmed by restlessness and anxiety. I made the choice to soothe myself. I took a bath, meditated, lit candles and turned on my oil diffuser. I also consulted my animal spirit Tarot card deck on some questions that were lingering in my head. I love working with my tarot cards especially when I’m trying struggling with the need for answers because they give me information and most of the time it’s spot on.
The first spread I did was about my relationship. I asked the cards 4 questions and drew 4 cards.
My first question was where am I energetically right now? The card I drew for that was the dragonfly. Master of light, illusion, and the mind. The dragonfly is an ancient and ethereal creature that awakens the sense of wonder in all. The dragonfly is a symbol of the mind- as it is always moving, shifting, shimmering and changing. When the dragonfly card appears it’s worth considering the quality of your mind and perception. Are they restless or still? Dream- like or crystal clear? The situation at hand may be different than it appears at first glance… the dragonfly reminds us to calm the mind so the light of wisdom can shine through. When I’m balance: sees clearly, joyful, magical. When out of balance: can’t concentrate, busy mind. To bring to balance: focus on breath.
When I read the meaning I wasn’t surprised or disappointed because it was accurate. I’m working on balancing my mind again right now and when I pulled this card my mind was restless. This was a reminder to still my mind in the ways I’ve been stilling it all day. Replacing fear with faith.
The second question I asked was where is she energetically right now? The card given to me was the Phoenix. (Which is a spirit card.)
The Phoenix: freedom from suffering and past karma, reincarnation. The Phoenix represents the transformation of our past. It doesn’t mean running from it, denying it, or “burning bridges” with rage. The Phoenix employs an advanced technique described in yoga as the burning of impurities through practice and dedication. The essence of the Phoenix is with us when we realize we have been suffering too long and something must change. We take a stand and decide to live consciously instead of being driven by the unconscious mind and it’s long list of fears and aversions. At that very moment the spark of the Phoenix is lit, and the great bird helps us burn through our baggage. We no longer run from who we are, what has happened to us, or what we have done. The “stuck-ness” and “dead weight” fall into the ashes and a lightness and clarity emerge. As the stagnancy continues to smolder, the Phoenix lifts our spirits up and we begin to recognize ourselves again. We may catch a glimmer in our eye that wasn’t there before. Look closely… it’s a sign the fire of transformation is upon your wings.
I was thrilled to see such a powerful card for her. There have been a lot of changes in her life recently, the were brought about negative situations but I feel that the changes themselves are positive and will enable her to move forward in her life in ways that she could before they happened. When I saw the description I realized exactly what has changed about her appearance, I saw the glimmer in her eyes and in her face. She’s radiating because she is coming out of the ashes of her pain.
The third question I asked the cards was: where do her and I stand after the events that occurred this weekend? The cards showed me the cheetah. Solar force, action, achievement, masculine energy. The cheetah is the epitome of the solar forces at work. The sun doesn’t shine onto the cheetah, it shines from inside this great creature and expands outward to brighten the universe. The energy within a cheetah personality is palpable to others, and they naturally attract an audience to bear witness to their remarkable achievements. Purpose and passion are the best fuel for a cheetahs forward momentum, so if you’re lacking in those areas, reconnect to the why before you start running. When in balance: achieves anything, boundless energy. When out of balance: impatient, competitive. To bring into balance: reconnect to purpose.
To be honest when I first read the description for this card, I was thrown off completely. I didn’t understand how this was an answer to the question I asked. But as I re read it while I typed it into this post, I started to think about the relationship her and I have. The ways that it has changed, the ways it used to be in the beginning. There are certain things that we don’t do anymore that we used to do in the beginning- that maybe brought balance to the relationship. There were conversations about things we saw ourselves doing with each other. As silly as this might sound, we played video games together which helped us have a direction in that way. Playing together gave us a sense of purpose. We both spent more time trying to show each other little ways that we matter to each other. There was and still is a passion that is palpable to the world around us. If we can work through this rough moment in our relationship maybe it will restore a mutual sense of purpose..
The fourth and final question I asked the cards was: how can we move forward in our relationship after this weekend’s events? The card given to me was the shark. Directness, exposure, revealing true nature and desire. The shark is only dangerous when we don’t acknowledge it. This card indicates that something big needs to be exposed. It’s lurking in the depths and creating tension. Shark energy takes over us when we are hesitant to be honest, to be totally “ourselves,” or to say what we really want. It may be tempting to continue pretending nothing is wrong, but when shark energy is at play we feel it’s presence encircling us. When in balance: intriguing, captivating, mysterious. When out of balance: sneaky, destructive. To bring into balance: honesty
I swear to you that if I EVER doubted the cards, this card being drawn in regards to the question at hand silenced any and every doubt. HOLY SHIT MAN! So like in my post where I wrote about the situation this weekend, I wrote about not being honest about my feelings and mental state. That lack of honesty caused a huge conflict. Drawing this card honestly gave me hope that maybe we can reconnect and move forward. There are things that I need to tell her about my true feelings, things that I haven’t said out of fear. Fear that she will walk away, fear that she will reject my feelings, fear of judgment. I can’t speak for her- but I know that if I get the chance to sit down with her and talk about this weekend and my hopes for my future with her, I’m not gonna hold back out of fear. I’m going to be honest about all the things I’m feeling inside and have been feeling inside. I’m also going to ask her to be honest in the same ways. I feel like if we do these things it will give us the necessary information to decide whether or not we want to continue being involved. I’m still shocked about this card.
After consulting the cards about the relationship I felt some relief. But there was still some lingering anxiety. So I asked the cards one final question. What energy do I need to balance in order to feel peace and serenity tonight and tomorrow?
The eagle: all- pervading power, truth seeker, transforms karma. The noble eagle emanates the light of the sun. This great bird is both physically and spiritually strong, and represents mastery over the elements of fire and air. When the eagle appears, you’ll soon be thrown into the karmic fire for the sake of your transformation. The eagle pushes us to be our best and brightest selves and stops at nothing to see us shine. Grasp the sun in your talons and hold on for the ride. You are stronger than you think, eagle child. When in balance: bright, radiant, challenges. When out of balance: controlling. To bring to balance: step into the unknown.
The peacock: inner beauty, compassion, assimilator of anything. The beauty of the peacock is unrivaled. It’s easy to think it comes from the plumage… but the secret of the peacock is that the beauty resides within and extends outward indefinitely. This adept creature can assimilate or “digest” all experiences in life, so it does not harbor resentment, conflict, or past pain within its psyche. The peacock type is extremely rare- not many of us have reached this advanced level of acceptance of the self and others. When in balance: confident, kind. When out of balance: can’t “digest” situations. To bring to balance: meditation on navel.
I was actually thrilled that I was shown these cards as information on how to find peace and serenity. It made me feel super grateful that I’m doing the work that I am doing, grateful that I found a way to refocus and get back on track. Also made me feel grateful that I opened this blog, because this is a risk I took even though I was terrified to do so. As far as the peacock card goes, acceptance is one of those skills that takes a lot of practice but acceptance is the only way to know real peace. I decided after thanking the cards for their information and guidance that I was gonna read my acceptance pamphlet. The acceptance pamphlet talks about the reasons acceptance is important, the different kinds of ways that humans struggle to have acceptance and how we can practice acceptance in our lives. I took a couple minutes and put some of my concerns in my God box and made this post. I chose to work my program tonight and doing that in combination with writing this post has improved my mental state and I feel like I am going to sleep peacefully tonight and have an amazing start to my day tomorrow.
Change is imminent but I am not scared- I know that everyday I accept My higher powers plans for me, I set myself up to have a life beyond my wildest dreams.
God is infinitely wise: he knows what is best for us. He loves us with an infinite love; he wants what is best for us. He is infinitely powerful; he can achieve it for us.
Acceptance: the way to serenity and peace of mind
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