When I opened my eyes this morning the first sensation I felt was the familiar chaos of fear trying to ambush my brain. I deviated from my plan and did not pray as soon as I opened my eyes. Instead, heart racing, thoughts already a mile a minute, and the pain of yearning sitting heavy on my chest- I looked at my phone to confirm it was her name that I had seen when my alarm startled me awake. One swipe is all it takes with my new IPhone and I’m in. Face ID is curse and a blessing. The words that were on my screen delivered a punch that took my breath away. She had texted me while I slept and pretty much implied that I had walked away from her. I was emotionally frantic when I saw that, I scrolled the brief interactions that had ensued since the big blow out Saturday because I wanted to make sure I hadn’t given her that impression. I wasn’t sure. What I was sure of is that I did not want to walk away from her, I want to work my program so that I never hurt her the way I hurt her this weekend again.
I pray and read my daily meditation- I pray with intention, I can already tell it’s going to be a hard day for me. Then my mother storms in to my room and in a muted frenzy informs me that Puerto Rico has been hit by a 6.6 magnitude earthquake. Tunnel vision, shortness of breath, instant tears form. Panic. That don’t go outside and get things done type of panic started it’s merciless attempt at crippling me. I hear myself set a boundary, ” please give me a minute” I hear myself say to my mom. I am still laying in bed at this point. I feel exhausted and I just opened my eyes, I am both scared and supremely sad. I am grateful to be sober because I can be present for the news I just received but in that moment also overwhelmed by so much information.
I look at my altar and my solution in that moment jumped out at me. My God box, a beautiful wooden box that receives most of the things that I struggle with. Especially when praying verbally doesn’t feel satisfying enough, it helps to write down whatever it is I’m asking God for help with and put it in there. Every single step I take from writing it down to putting it in the box is taken with intention. It’s almost like I’m mentally begging God for mercy while physically writing what I need relief from. My God box has saved me the last two days and every other time I’ve put it to use. Relief came instantly when I placed my worries about my family in the box. Relief came instantly when on a separate piece of paper I asked God to help me accept my situation with my girl.
Walking to catch the bus, The scientist by Coldplay came on my apple music. The grief and longing for her came back, so I prayed again. I sent a reply to her message making it clear that I wasn’t walking away. She didn’t respond to that message. I sent her the song. Still no reply. So I rode the bus to my appointment, put my phone away and read my book. Soulcraft by Bill Plotkin. My higher power at work once again made it so that the words I was reading triggered an Ah HA! moment.
Visionary experience springs from dichotomies that at first seem irreconcilable. There is desire and despair– the desire to commune with the soul, the despair born of soul estrangement. There is attraction and repulsion– attraction to the rich realm of the dark, repulsion from its monsters and demons. There is danger and seduction, the threat of death and the allure of a new life. There is knowing and not knowing. There is hope for a new and joyous way of living, and grief for years passed in emptiness. If we sink deep enough into these dichotomies, they shift into paradoxes– not either/ or but both/and. Soul embraces the poles. We are both light and dark, both knowing and not knowing, both lost and found, both living and dying, filled with both angels and demons. If we can accept the opposing elements and endure their collision in full consciousness, we, too, can embrace the poles. Robert Johnson, following Carl Jung, says that the capacity for paradox— the tolerance of ambiguity- is “the measure of spiritual strength and the surest sign of maturity.” Johnson suggests there is a “divine progression” from conflict to paradox to revelation. The revelatory vision arises through the acceptance of paradox- or at least the open eyed confrontation with it.
Bill Plotkin- Soulcraft pg 217
I was blown away when I read that excerpt from the book, because that was literally how I was feeling this morning and for the past few days. I was ashamed of my behavior Saturday but grateful because it brought me to a place where I knew what I had to do in order to do different. I was sad this morning but also aware that I had to accept whatever God was going to do with my situation with the girl. I was terrified for my family but proud of myself for not letting that fear consume me. All of these feelings were eating me up before I read that. It was like as soon as I read the words, my mind and soul grasped exactly what was happening and the conflict of having all of these paradoxes turned into acceptance of the paradoxes. I didn’t have to live in the either/or mentality after that moment and my day started to turn around.
I went to my appointment and processed my new found clarity. I was on fire. I literally talked the WHOLE time. I was bouncing around trying not to skimp on the context so she knew why I was exactly where I was in that moment. I shed a couple tears for my sadness and my fear. I ranted about how shitty it felt sometimes to have trust in Gods plan for me ALL the time, because sometimes our plans didn’t line up. I also was able to come to the conclusion that God threw that text at me first thing this morning because the character defect I was going to be working on removing today was my fear of abandonment. Confronted with two completely different situations that address that defect in two different ways. Abandonment through being left by someone I love and abandonment through expected consequence of unexpected natural disasters.
I must’ve sang misery business by Paramore ten times while I was on the way home- my very effective way to silence my mind until I could get to my house. There was a minuscule amount of time I had to wait at the Transit Center for the bus that actually took me home, so I went outside and smoked a cigarette. As soon as I walked outside I saw a guy nodding out and for some reason I was drawn to stand right in front of him. So listened to whatever was urging me in his direction, I lit my cigarette and I looked around, I noticed another guy who was looking at him. We started talking and I told him that I remembered the days that I was high like that at the transit center. I never nodded out cause I used to speed ball but nodding or not I was still high as kite at the transit center many times when I was in active use. At this point the guy who is nodding out is fully bent over in front of me, so I tap his head to try to get him to stand up. I speak to him in Spanish because I can tell he’s Hispanic. He can’t even form words he’s so fucked up but he doesn’t have to, I’ve been there and the emptiness I saw in his eyes was familiar. I made eye contact and he continued to nod off again. When he reached full bend again, I tapped his head and gave him a cigarette, I told him to smoke it because he needs to wake up a bit. I made sure to make eye contact again. I wanted him to know that I see him. I remember being in active use and I would have thoughts about wishing that I could look people in the eye and vice versa. I craved humanity in active use. So I tried to give him some. I walked away and so did he.
Four months ago that would’ve triggered me but today I felt sad and grateful. I felt grateful because I was able to treat him the way I wished so many times to be treated when I was out there. I was grateful because it showed me exactly where I’m at. I was sad because he’s sick and suffering. I felt hopeful because in that moment I knew that if I continue working my program I don’t ever have to go back there again. In that moment in my head I thought “God I hope he gets help someday.”
When I made it home I prayed again. I prayed about my defect of character fear of abandonment, I wrote it down and put it in my God box and said the prayer of St. Francis. I was coping with life on life’s terms today and I was exhausted but I realized briefly that I was doing it. I continued my day, worked out, went to a meeting. After the meeting I finally sent a text specifically addressing the fact that I hadn’t gotten a response to the message I sent about not walking away. To my surprise I got a response right away about it. It turns out that her thinking I was walking away was because of a miscommunication. I hate texting. It’s such a shitty form of communication because shit like this happens. I told her that I wanted to talk to her and that I had planned on asking her to come and talk to me tonight but I had changed my mind because I was emotionally depleted. I feel like the way I worked my program today had everything to do with how well we communicated tonight. I feel like by working my program and sitting with my feelings today gave me the time and clarity to address my feelings head on with her. Not in an emotional or loaded way but just as the facts. Our problem isn’t necessarily resolved but as of tonight I know that it isn’t over and that brought joy to my heart.
I’m sitting at my table and I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be in every way. I am grateful for the paradoxes in my life today, I accept their existence in my life and I look forward to the revelations of continuing to live with them.
Day by Day 