II: Lots of BIG feelings and Reinventing Romance
I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting the last few days- I have been having ALOT of feelings. I feel incredibly grateful to have such amazing friends that have literally wrapped themselves around me and nursed me through the pain of my break up. A lot of times I see my HP that way- I see my higher power when my best friend calls me at 930 in the morning to bring me coffee and make sure I actually get out of bed that day. I see my higher power by presenting only situations which I’m equipped for.
Dusting off some other tools
I would say that so far this whole dating myself thing has been okay. I find myself really committed to my goals of not getting involved or enmeshed with anybody- I also find myself super committed to the reflection aspect of this journey. I feel like I have been spending a lot of time re sharpening my tools- I feel like I let a lot of my tools get dull because I found a combination that worked for a while there. Lately those tools have not been working but I also feel like I’m making a point of feeling my feelings too right now… whatever those feelings are.
I honestly feel like mindfully observing myself feel my feelings is one of the most useful tools I have acquired lately. I had a day of so many and VERY strong feelings when I hung out with my best friends the other day. I had already been feeling emotional the night before because I was given some information that hurt me. When I was with my best friends we were having a conversation about having children and getting pregnant- all of a sudden I lost it. I couldn’t contain the sobbing… I was a blubbering mess.
I was in a safe space so I allowed myself to just explore that melt down right there and then. I just talked and talked until I got it all out. All of the hurt and pain that had been weighing on my chest…. My friends watching me and witnessing my pain and my sharing that experience with me. That sadness stayed with me the rest of the day but it wasn’t agonizing. As I’ve established in previous post I’m a glutton for emotional pain sometimes… I decided the best thing to do that night before bed was to read a love letter my ex had written me- so many beautiful words… so many plans- so much love. I couldn’t help but let the tears fall down my face. I folded the letter and put it back where it sits waiting for me to want to remember again. At some point I drifted off into sleep and woke up feeling like everything is going to be okay. I wasn’t ecstatic but I was content.
Fake it till you make it
I was exhausted still when I woke up the morning but I forced myself to get out of bed, I took a shower, and then dressed myself in an outfit that made me feel confident, I put on some jewelry, and kept my best friend company while she ran errands. I took a good look at my reflection in the mirror and I just smiled because I was really feeling myself in that moment… that felt really good. It didn’t feel like it was coming from a toxic place, it didn’t feel off balance, it felt genuine. I genuinely loved my reflection in that moment more over I loved myself.
The past week I’m really enjoying the process of putting myself together, I feel like my personal style is evolving as well. I really love fashion and clothes… I really believe that dressing myself is an art, I love planning outfits for different events and different activities. Your clothes can say a lot about you- I don’t mean as far as brands go, I mean how you put something together- what accessories- how you combine different items. I love looking in the mirror and feeling authentic in the way that I look and I’m presenting myself to other people.
I’ve also been investing in jewelry and other accessories lately… which is not something I have ever done. I finally have found the courage and faith in myself to buy Gold without fearing my own addiction… I’m not worried about selling it or losing it which is huge for me. There’s been times I haven’t been the best at holding on to things of value.
The benefits of having faith
This week has seen ALOT of progress and reframing of my mentality and willingness. I have paid off my license, I am happier every single day, I made solid plans to go to Puerto Rico in the fall for my birthday. I feel like for the first time in my life I’m not gonna fuck everything up now that things are going well. I feel like everyday I wake up and have no clue what’s gonna happen and every time I choose to have faith in the universe and my higher power my day goes well… I get stuff accomplished and I feel happy when I go to sleep. Having faith in something I can’t see or feel… something that I have to build and make for myself by making the next “right” decision is hard. I haven’t always had the best track record for making the next “right decision,” but lately when I don’t know what to do- I just don’t do anything and wait for the answer to come to me or I pray about it.
I feel like my high power has been going above and beyond in showing me the true nature of the people around me… I feel like I’m being led in the direction of pursuing my passions and my life calling path- I feel that way because people who are not like minded or stuck are just falling away like the turning autumn leaves. Effortlessly and beautifully, leaving the proof of their existence on the ground of my brain. Eventually that proof and those memories will nourish the ground they’ve fallen on- the memories will nourish my brain and allow me to remember the lessons learned with each person.
I’ve always been so afraid of being alone… I’ve always been so afraid of not finding a “life partner.” I’m still afraid honestly… but that fear is turning slowly into faith for the plan that exists for me. I’ve always been afraid of a life without love- but I can romantically love other things not just women. I can romantically love what I’m doing everyday… I can romantically love the people around me. Society has made romance something for couples but this year I’m reinventing romance.
I’m going to romantically love myself and the things that keep me tethered to love and to my spirit.
Day by Day 