I: This feels like shit and I really wanna do what I’ve always done cause it’s easy and familiar
Since my last post not much has changed. Still committed to my cause and I haven’t felt overwhelmed by it too many times.
Maybe I’m a masochist? I think I’ve said this before…
I haven’t felt overwhelmed by my choice at all except for the times that I allow myself to become overwhelmed. I become overwhelmed because I find it very difficult to understand the way people in and around my “inner circle” of friends and family behave. I’m pretty consistent for somebody who struggles with consistency and I feel like I’m also very true to who I say I am. Being true to my word and being honest is part of my recovery- I spent so long lying and manipulating that now I have no choice but to do my best to not do these things. It actually feels really good to be this way… it feels good to own the way I feel and the way that I am. I am someone who is learning every single day and attempting to apply the lessons to my life everyday.
The problem with doing my best is that doing my best looks different depending on how spiritually fit I am. So days I’m so balanced and in the flow that I see the promises of sobriety. Specifically the promises of emotional sobriety- I feel like emotional sobriety and being “on the beam” have felt ESPECIALLY hard to accomplish the past week… I have had so many moments of clarity and so much information given to me by the universe, that at times I don’t know what to really do with it. I know what want to do with the information and that is pretend I don’t have it so I can just play dumb like I haven’t noticed the complete and blatant disregard for my feelings. So that’s why I always ask myself, am I a masochist?
I think the hardest part about all of this is that I have chosen to stay single and work on myself and now both of my most recent exes are doing things that I wanted to do that we never really got to do (for whatever reason) with other people. It doesn’t feel good at all but I reframe.
It gets easier with practice and being committed to doing it.
The other day it felt like someone was grabbing my heart and squeezing it. I haven’t felt pain like that in so many years… the kind of pain that starts out in the center of my heart like somebody stabbed me with a dagger but it didn’t kill me. The dagger sitting in the center the sharpness of the pain dulling but the pain still strong and lingering. That feeling knocked me to my knees the other day and I refuse to be knocked down… so I prayed… I prayed for Gods will to be done whatever it is. I prayed for almost five minutes… I literally prayed until the feeling passed and I could breathe without feeling uncomfortable.
Prayer is one of the most effective ways that I use to reframe my mind and energy. Prayer is also one of the hardest tools to rely on if you don’t practice doing it. Even if it is just the serenity prayer- I pray everyday now. I have to because I feel so disillusioned by so many things and so many people. But that is the nature of having expectations of anything…. disillusionment. Not once has gods will or plan for me made me feel disappointed or disillusioned… that’s why I pray all the time now… I am tired of being in pain- I am tired of putting myself in positions to be in pain.
When verbal prayer is not enough- I’m still using my God box- I use it almost everyday. I have placed so many people in Gods hands and turned over so many problems to God using that box. Sometimes I just need written proof that I’m praying… sometimes I need to physically release whatever feelings I’m having in that moment.
Tonight I am using those and this blog.
Writing in this blog tonight helped temper the anger and sadness that I was feeling inside of my heart. The anger I felt in the moment was because I felt like universe kind of cheated me and gave me the short end of the stick. That’s because I didn’t get what I wanted with either one of the people I most recently cared for. Writing this post made me realize I got what I needed… I was able to give myself to two totally different people and love them in two totally different ways. They were polar opposites of each other and I learned a lot about the things that I need in order to feel satisfied in a relationship. I learned to love differently- I learned that vulnerability is brave but some people are not ready to be brave. That particular lesson is a win/lose- cause I so wish that everybody was ready to be brave.
Most importantly I learned about the darkness inside of myself a little further…. I learned about my emotional sobriety or lack there of in relationships. I learned all of the things I needed to learn that brought me to this exact moment- that made me realize that dating and being in a relationship no longer serves me in realizing my purpose and potential in this world right now.
So I guess I’ll leave you with this: What no longer serves you in realizing your purpose and potential in this world? Are you ready to change or have you not had enough pain yet?
Day by Day 