Self Love: an epic

IV: Fear is the root of all chaos (at least from what I’ve seen.)

This is my fourth publication of my weekly adventures in learning to love myself. Another week come and gone- another week of new challenges and experiences that make all of this worth while. Emphasis on the challenge part- this week the energy in the universe around me has felt so tense and there’s been so much anger and chaos in the air.

Existential challenges

I read an article earlier today which helped me put the things I’ve been observing in myself and in the world around me into context- it also helped me organize my thoughts about my post this week. The article talks about the different existential challenges that we face as humans and the three general ways that we respond to those challenges.

“This paper considers four existential challenges:
1) Life (and death). We are alive but we will die, and we live a world that
both supports and negates life.
2) Meaning (and absurdity). We have a conscious capacity and desire for
meaning, but we live in a confusing and sometimes chaotic world that
offers many meaning systems and also denies meaning.
3) Freedom (and determinism). We are free and determined, and we live
in a world that allows and constricts our freedom.
4) Community (and aloneness). Human desire and capacity for authentic
relatedness are countered by inauthenticity, alienation and loneliness.”

FOUR EXISTENTIAL CHALLENGES: THREE RESPONSES TO EACH
Adapted from:
Greening, T. Existential Challenges and Responses.
The Humanistic Psychologist. 20 (1), Spring 1992.

Right off the bat I felt an overwhelming sense of clarity when I read the four challenges presented in the article, I felt validated in my own existential crises. I felt exponentially more connected to humanity because I realized that even though the majority of people are not broadcasting their existential challenges or aware of whats happening when they are faced with them- they do have existential crises as well. I feel a little naive saying that but I feel like I interact with so many people through social media that I forget most people only portray themselves in the best light on social media… which means that an existential crisis would not be broadcast on the timeline by most. Especially not in those words. Reading the article also made me realize that a lot of our actions and reactions in day to day life in the most general terms fit into these challenge and response categories.

“Each challenge consists of a blessing and a curse, a capacity for being
that also entails non-being, an opening restricted by finiteness. We are
endowed with “some” but not “enough.” Our glasses are half full and half
empty, and we can’t agree on what “half” is. We must choose what to do
with the “some” and how to endure the “not enough.”
To each of the four existential givens or challenges we have a choice of
three possible responses:
1) Simplistic over-emphasis on the positive aspect of the paradox. False
triumph over the difficulties presented by the challenge.
2) Simplistic over-emphasis on the negative aspect of the paradox.
Fatalistic surrender to the difficulties presented by the challenge.
3) Confrontation, creative response, and transcendence of the challenge.”

FOUR EXISTENTIAL CHALLENGES: THREE RESPONSES TO EACH
Adapted from:
Greening, T. Existential Challenges and Responses.
The Humanistic Psychologist. 20 (1), Spring 1992.

Fear

I feel like whenever I have a lot of chaos in my life or there’s a lot of chaos in my environment it’s usually cause by fear. In the moment I forget a lot of the time but whenever I actually take time to reflect and examine my reactions or the reactions of others fear is at the core. Earlier this week people that are friends with my most recent ex tried to bully me, after she misinformed them about how she had reached out to me because she felt that I was the only person who could help her feel “better.” The conflict escalated when I sent her a story I had written but couldn’t find for almost a year with a super triggering plot about death and suicide. I sent her this story because I was super proud of it and I was happy that I finally found it- I completely didn’t think about the way it would affect her considering her horrible experiences with the unexpected deaths of her sister and dad. One of the many thing her friends were saying was that they spent time ridiculing me and ridiculing my blog… I realized that they were under the impression I had initiated contact with my ex.
After I read the article today I realized that my ex lied to her friends, her new significant other, and her family because she was afraid of their possible reaction to her wanting to maintain a friendship post break up. I realized that her and the people she’s close to might actually be subconsciously intimidated by the honesty of my blog. I feel like that’s the reason they even “ridiculed” it because it’s easier to make fun of something that you want but are not capable of having.. than it is to actually do the work to get it.
I’ve been there so many times, it’s the reason I used to make fun of myself for being over weight when I was younger and it’s the reason I had such a shitty bias against other over weight people for so long… I have always wanted to be healthy and athletic but I wasn’t willing to do the work to get there.

I feel like everything that’s going on in the world this year specifically has everything to do with these existential challenges all of them… at the same time… lol. I feel like that’s why there’s so much fear and chaos- I know that personally my fear and mental chaos are reactions to the way the world around me is handling itself but also because of my own feelings and experience with these existential challenges lately.

Faith is the opposite of fear (and after this week I have a little more)

So this week was full of tension and we were all on edge… I had a lot of challenges and instances where I could’ve taken steps backwards but instead I did different. This week is another week that I have been given the opportunity by the universe to be present for the people that I love. Every time I am available for my people I realize how grateful I am to be doing this no dating thing. I realize that so many times when I have a girlfriend I stop showing up for my village and I become consumed by my relationship. This week I was in better spiritual shape than my two best friends cause the lessons I’m learning have been energizing me.. not draining. Since I was in better shape I was able to show up for both of them- I was able to remind them of their worth and love them when they needed to be loved. Just like they do for me when I’m needing it.

Being present for the people I love is such a big deal for me… Loving my friends and family when they need it the most is such an amazing feeling- being sober and capable of real empathy makes me feel so connected to my village and my higher purpose in this life.

I spend about half of my week engaged in amazing philosophical conversation with a long time family friend. She’s my sisters best friend from college- we talk about most of the things that I end up writing about- she’s another brilliant mind with information about things that I have very little information or experience with. Her grasp on the universe and spirituality is similar to my sisters grasp on these things- they’re both very “woke” and in tune with the world around them. I’m grateful and filled with faith when we have conversations about things that I don’t really feel comfortable discussing with a lot of people. I feel filled with faith because I know the universe is listening to my needs and my questions based on the direction that our conversations take.

I feel faith in the grief cycle and how that is a testament that I’m actually healing- I feel faith that the universe is putting the right people in my life every single day and inspiring the right conversations every day. I also notice that the more I choose faith over fear, the easier it gets to choose faith.