VI: Late night confessions
It’s been about ten days since my last post and as much as I wanted to push it off and procrastinate… here I am punching keys and getting words down on paper (well screen.) I think that staying motivated and consistent is one of the hardest parts of being a “writer”- If you think fitness results are hard to come by… writing results are EVEN harder and more time consuming. It probably sounds like I don’t enjoy it but I do… I actually love to write and definitely want to write more all the time.
“Well whats stopping you then? Why are you procrastinating if you enjoy it?” Fair questions truly and I wish I had one neat answer for them- there’s a few reasons why I put my writing on the back burner and procrastinate. One of the biggest ones is that sometimes I struggle to find the words to say what I want to say- a lot actually. Second is that I’m borderline lazy and I just think about it AFTER I’m already in bed and comfortable. Thirdly and actually the main reason it’s been extra hard lately is because the emotions I’m experiencing at that time are overwhelming and I need to release some of them in other ways before sitting down and having a mental field day with my own pain and shame.
The pain and shame game
The game everybody hates to play… I am a Leo and Aries raised conflict averse Libra seeking balance at all times with absolutely no idea how. I don’t really know why I felt the need to share that information but part of me feels like it’s relevant to the way I relate to shame. I know it might but I also know that more likely than not my relationship with shame has everything to do with my conditioning and early onset trauma. This time on the pain and shame game you’ll watch me throw away one year of sobriety away to smoke weed because essentially I like the effects produced by drugs and alcohol.
I like the fact that when I smoke the memory of both of the women I most recently loved gets hazy and faded. It dulls the anguish and it actually helps me remember the love. It feels like it’s counter productive at times to remember the love shared and it might hurt more because of that tendency of mine. The dulling of the senses and simultaneously torturing myself with all of my favorite moments. Different substance, different woman, different year, different me…. but unfortunately the behavior is the same right now… the same it was when I was an active drug addict. I was lying to my AA family about my smoking, I was lying to my AA family about being involved with someone- let alone someone in the situation that my most recent relationship was in. Everything ended with that and I lied about how much I was hurting- I lied about how much I am STILL hurting.
It’s all finally caught up to me and the way that it happened couldn’t have been more appropriate for me- God always does for me what I cannot do for myself.
I think today God did for me what I could not do for myself by making giving me the will to live again. I don’t know what happened the last week or so but I felt so fucking hopeless. I honestly felt like Meredith Grey when she falls into the water and she doesn’t try to survive it. She’s like passively suicidal… I honestly don’t know if I would’ve fought to stay alive if confronted with a similar situation last week or even yesterday.
Silver lining
I’m feeling more and more tired as I continue typing so I know that I have to start wrapping up. The one thing that I’ve discovered about myself this year is that I’m naturally an optimist and that is one of my favorite things about myself. I can actually be crippled with hopelessness in one moment- and the very next moment remember that life is a cycle that flows between happiness, anguish, and everything in between. I can literally use that notion to combat the hopelessness and completely re frame my mindset. Tonight I did that- I allowed myself to be as present as I could be during a bonfire with my sponsorship family and I allowed myself to loved and given guidance. Tonight I took inventory of all of the people that I have gained in my life since I changed my life. I thought about all of the wonderful memories I have with all of the wonderful nieces and nephews that God has blessed me with and how grateful I am to be alive so I can create these memories. Tonight I sent love and light into the atmosphere for all of the people I’ve loved that are no longer in my life and I can actually say that after doing all of that and taking the time to punch these keys and write this post- I feel better.
Day by Day 