Going with the flow: an account of how much I’ve actually changed.

**Trigger warning: some of this content may be triggering to people suffering from mental health or addiction issues**

Picture it- any given day in January last year, I was sluggish. I was literally struggling to walk short distances. I had been out of jail for a little bit over a month, I had a month off opiates and cocaine. I was just starting to get my bearings again socially, I spent most of my day smoking weed and Newport shorts. I wasn’t really drinking all that much at this point.
I was fucking suffering- I honestly hated myself, I hated every scar that was so dark on my body from when I was in active use. I was insecure about being so severely out of shape, I wanted sex (around that one month sober your libido kicks up after years of non existence… that shit is intense) but I didn’t know how to go about that in non toxic ways. I had grown conditioned to only having sex with men at this point- (I’m a lesbian for the record) and only conditioned to having sex with them for money. At this point last year it had already been at least 2 months since I had last engaged in that kind of activity and once you associate that action with doing drugs – you can’t really ever have sex for money without going right back out and picking up. It’s almost impossible but there’s always those people who are self professed exceptions. (Covering my bases you know?)
I was walking around with the heavy weight of shame, guilt, distrust in myself, low self esteem, and this insatiable urge to fuck but I wanted to fuck a woman. I was walking on egg shells at home because of the damage I had caused my last spree before I went to jail. My mom did not trust me at all- rightfully so. On top of that I was really close to this friend I had since I was in high school, we weren’t really all that close when we were younger- I realize in retrospect. We became almost inseparable and with that merging of familiar energies came some complications. I mean sexually speaking boundaries were always CRYSTAL clear. She could never be attracted to someone like me. It was never explicitly stated in that way- but it didn’t have to be. She was VERY idealistic and had struggled with disordered eating behaviors most of her life- so being an over weight, out of shape, pot head, in pseudo recovery- I was kind of like the antithesis of everything she had ever striven to be.
I know the question I would be asking myself is – okay … so where did the complications arise?

Complicated you say???

Yes! complications did indeed arise! In our closeness- we became emotionally entangled in each others lives. I spent a lot of time with her and her daughter- which I do not regret. I loved both of them at that time- I still have love in my heart for them. They were filling a void for me though- the void that my ex and her daughter left when I chose drugs over them. That feels much colder than it actually is seeing it in black and white. I was available to spend time with her kid and I was fun. I was also available to be there for her emotionally- I could read her before she even tried to speak most days. This was a big deal because she was not very open or raw with other people- she was guarded from all the trauma she had endured.
Eventually I felt her energy shift in big ways! There was a lot of criticism on her behalf about my life choices. She didn’t agree with me smoking pot or trying to have sex with now best friend. She thought I should be focusing on finding a job or whatever. She never really was specific about what I should’ve been doing only what I shouldn’t have been doing.
She would state her dissenting opinions frequently but hey! as long the babysitting was free… she was’t THAT bothered. (I’m literally laughing at myself while typing this.)

This isn’t about her – Let me refocus here

Eventually that friendship was severed- at that point I had entered the drug court treatment program in my hometown. I was still smoking so much pot- which was not allowed according to the rules of drug court. In my mind I qualified for medical marijuana and there was NOTHING that judge could do to refuse my medical card if I got one… HA HA HA… I eventually started drinking too- I started dating someone who was involved in the gay entertainment industry. She was a performer, poly amorous, and an alcoholic. Which she hid from everyone- including me. The alcoholism- I mean.
Eventually my rope at drug court was getting shorter and shorter- my relationship with this girl was getting more and more turbulent- the sex was phenomenal but we spent the time in between passionately exploring each other – exploring the ways we could hurt each other emotionally. I was obsessed with her though- I loved the sick ways she used to hurt me and then kiss the pain away. (one of the many toxic traits I’m working on hahahaha)

The end of the end…

Things were spiraling for me- my drinking was becoming more and more frequent and harder to control. Especially after my friend Andrea passed away. She passed away of an opiate overdose and we had ended our friendship on bad terms due to my own addiction two years prior. I didn’t even know that she had taken a turn toward opiate addiction when I found out she had passed away. Her death rocked me- I felt guilty. I had survivors guilt… I spent years addicted to drugs and I survived. She spent less than two and died from it. I truly never imagined a world in which she would die before me- especially because of the shit she wanted me so badly to quit. That still fucks with me sometimes late at night when I’m remembering the times I’ve shared with people throughout my life.
Two weeks after she passed away I got black out wasted in like 30 minutes. I was having a blast at first but then I got the spins and made myself throw up just so I could drink more. (To think there was a point I didn’t think I had a drinking problem) I drank more- puked more. The next morning I woke up feeling the same guilt, shame, and remorse I would feel after a relapse. I hadn’t relapsed though. I made a plan that day subconsciously under my covers. I needed to change- I needed to feel happy- I needed to do different.

What does my life look like today?

First big difference is that I don’t drink or smoke. I go to meetings 5-7 days a week, I’m working a program. I have a higher power that I can rely on. I’m healthier than I have ever been. I’m motivated most days- that familiar complacency does rear its ugly head sometimes but I’m able to see it before it destroys all my progress or any of it most times.
I have fulfilling friendships with people who love me and support me. I know when to set boundaries with people and I value who I am and what I have to bring to the table. I am being true to myself in all the ways that feel right. Including this blog.
My mom fell asleep the other day and accidentally left her wallet in the bathroom- she usually puts it in her pillow case. I noticed it but I wasn’t even tempted to unzip it. We’re actually in a place where she can forget and not lose sleep over it. I haven’t driven a car since early summer- which is HUGE for me. I haven’t had to go to jail for breaking the rules at drug court since August- I celebrated 7 months fully substance free on December 19th which is fucking huge for me!
I feel my mentality changing more toward the ways I can be of service to others every single day. I follow through for myself and others. I am physically, mentally, and emotionally able to home school my nieces. I love that time I have with them- mainly because I had missed so much time while I was in active use. I can relate and connect to people in so many ways that I couldn’t before. I don’t have any phone numbers for drug dealers in my phone. I’m not mad about not being able to smoke anymore- It’s actually an amazing feeling going through life without the fog of weed smoke. I can remember why I laugh now.
My friends and family can count on me- I can count on me.
I’m also learning so many things every single day. I’m learning about communication and the ways to be better or different. I’m learning to cherish the moments I’m given and accept the time when those moments can’t be given.
It’s by no means perfect but it’s so much better than it’s every been.
I see my scars now and I’m not ashamed. I don’t feel guilty for surviving anymore- I’m living almost every day in a way that makes it so that none of these lives lost are lost in vain.
I know Andrea would be proud of the person I am in this very moment. I know she was with me the night of open mic and if she was with us- she would’ve been there in person. Loudly and boldly supporting my poetry- all drama between us aside.
Everything is a work in progress but I’m finally growing for the first time since my teens. It’s terrifying and amazing all at once.

“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we
will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to
know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the
past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the
word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down
the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can
benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will
disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest
in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude
and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of
economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how
to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly
realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for
ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being
fulfilled among us-sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They
will always materialize if we work for them.”

The 9th step promises- Alcoholics Anonymous PG 83-84