(See what I did there? Lol)
I’m generally feeling more uplifted emotionally today. I feel like continuing to ask my high power and the universe for help to stay grounded is really what is making all the difference. I find myself asking God for help so many times a day for the past two weeks… I ask for help to stay on the path that is intended to me. I ask for information. I ask for help to check my ego and the things I take on because of it.
What does ego have to do with it?
Well a lot actually! My ego is one the main drivers behind my emotional pain. I find that a lot of times it’s my ego that encourages me to want to take control of everything around me… it’s the part of me that is scared to be replaced by my exes… it’s the part of me that is damaged the most by self hate narratives. It’s the part of me that says she must’ve never even liked you when shit comes crashing to an end. It’s the part of me that wants so badly to vulnerable but only allows me to be partially vulnerable and majorly scared of being abandoned. My ego and the person that I have been a vast majority of my life has spent a lot of time and money on the exterior. The face and impression that is made in the outside world. This past year I have learned that the outside world is still me seeking to be accepted and loved from the outside. I have spent the year running from self love because it feels so big and scary.
Shouldn’t you love yourself though!? why is that scary?
I mean yeah. Ideally self love isn’t scary and nerve wracking but for me.. it is. I have never actually fully loved myself ever. That is really scary to say or write down every time I do write it down. I feel like when I tell people that they feel sorry for me or like pity. It makes me feel a lot of shame because I know that the hate I feel inside of my heart for myself is behind everything I’ve ever sabotaged. Especially the times I’ve sabotaged relationships and opportunities. My self hate says I won’t succeed so out of fear of not succeeding- I end up not taking ANY action at all. Or I’ll revert back to old behaviors which only furthers my self sabotage. It’s been even worse in relationships and certain friendships.
The silent relationship killers: self hate and ego
Until recently I never realized the ways that my ego and my self hate narratives have covertly dismantled most of the relationships that have meant the most to me. Even when I was younger- my inflated ego combined with constantly hating myself turned into so many risky romantic and sexual decisions from a young age. This has looked different as the years have passed but I know that I have been unfaithful to a majority of the women I have ever been seriously involved with. When I have been it’s been because my need for validation from outside sources and to “prove” that I can… I grimaced as I wrote that cause it leaves a bad taste in my mouth… that I used to need to “prove” anything. That particular reason hasn’t been very relevant in the last few years.
If I really reflect – promiscuity while I’m in a relationship hasn’t been a thing since the last time I did it in 2015. I spent a lot of years in active addiction after that (which is a completely different thing.) Throughout my journey of trying to get sober, I have on more than on occasion involved myself in very intense and emotionally charged “rehab romances,” I feel like the attention and love that I got from those women all those times helped keep me distracted from the real problems at hand. I know that actually, rehab didn’t actually work until I stopped becoming involved with my peers. This past year I’ve been involved with three different women but all three relationships failed. I could really choose to take the easy road and blame them for the failures… I could say that it wasn’t meant to be or that we weren’t compatible… I can say a lot of things but none of those would be me owning my part in these relationships.
Accountability sucks
This is the hardest part for me this is where ego and self hate work together and against each other to trap me in a shame, guilt, fear, victim, jealousy/ entitlement spiral. In relationships my toxic relationship with power and control are activated and when power and control mix with low self esteem and self hate. Then the fear of being vulnerable with someone also comes into play and I start being more demanding. Which in turn strains the relationship because a lot of times I lack the courage to be direct right away. Allowing whatever is bothering me specifically to fester inside of my heart and I become either petty, mean, extremely sensitive and emotional, or completely withdraw and flee the situation. My abandonment issues and melodramatic tendencies makes it hard to trust but it also makes it hard to want to stick around.. they can’t leave if I leave first. They can’t hurt me if I hurt them first. But in my mind even if I am the one to walk away — it all feels tragic.
Beautifully Tragic Love
One of my favorite movies growing up was Moulin Rouge- When I bought that movie I watched it maybe 10 times in one weekend. The love story, the intensity, the passion, the poetry behind everything in that movie. It changed me- I was officially a hopeless romantic. I remember reading Romeo and Juliet when I was in school- I always knew the premise of the story but actually reading and then watching the movie even further along nudged my hopeless romanticism. I needed to feel consumed by a love so great that it could transcend the confines of time. Otherworldly… meant to be… fated love.
The type of love that comes crashing into your life and changes you to your core. Unfortunately that kind of love is not sustainable- that type of love with all of the self hate narratives that plague me is a recipe for disaster. It’s a recipe for chaos and pain. That’s why I have taken this vow of celibacy and no dating. The celibacy thing is tentative…. I’m gonna try for six months and then a year. I want to be loved and love again eventually- I want to love myself so that I can believe it when someone else tells me. I want to root out that rot that sits inside of me still this next year… I want to nourish my platonic relationships and nourish my village. I want to nourish my soul— I want to fall in love and date myself for a bit. I’m thrilled and terrified at the same time.
Day by Day 